Monday Monday

“Come in. Father Danny, let me introduce you to Pastor Hamm from Texas.”
“Dallas,” said the man as he stood and shook Danny’s hand.
“Pastor Hamm has visited the church a couple of times and wants to speak with us.”
“Yes,” said Danny, “I thought you looked familiar. We don’t have that many visitors who wear purple suits with yellow piping. I thought I recognized you.”
“Yes sir, Padre. As I was saying to Preacher Tate, I am really impressed with the work you’re doing, bringing people to the Lord, yes, it is wonderful.”
“Thank you,” said Danny, “now what can we do for you?”
“No, Padre, it’s not what you can do for me, it’s what I can do for you.”
What a sleezebag, thought Danny all the while keeping his smile.
“Okay then, Mr. Hamm, what can you do for us?”
“It’s Reverend Hamm, sir, Reverend Hamm.”
“Okay, Reverend Hamm, what can you do for us?”
“Well, Reverend West,–“
”No, Father West,” said Danny, “Father West.”
“Right, Father West, I’m sure you’re familiar with my ministry on television, we’re on all the Christian channels.”
“No, Mr. Hamm,–“
”Reverend Hamm, sir, Reverend Hamm.”
“Yes, whatever, Reverend Hamm, I can’t say I watch the Christian channels.”
“You don’t?” questioned Hamm not believing what he was hearing.
“Then I’m sure you have seen us on the television, Preacher Tate.”
“No, Reverend Hamm, I can’t say that I have. We just don’t watch those Christian channels, Reverend. Father Danny, what is it you always say about the Christian channels?”
“Do you mean when I say there’s nothing but low life money sucking scavengers on those channels?” said Danny still maintaining a broad grin.
“Yes, I believe that is what you say, Father West.”
“Wait just a damn minute,” shouted Hamm. “I didn’t come here to be insulted.”
“Then, why did you come here, Mr. Hamm?” asked Davy.
“It’s Rev–“
”Why did you come here, Mister Hamm?” asked Davy emphasizing the “Mister”.
“I came here to offer you two an opportunity.”
“And what kind of opportunity would that be, Mister Hamm,” said Davy once more emphasizing the “Mister”.
“You people have found a new gimmick. It is worth millions. I want you to–”
“Have we found a new gimmick, Father West?” asked Davy.
“A new gimmick? What kind of a gimmick? Now, I did buy one of those new-fangled can openers, is that what you’re talking about? It’s electric. You want to see it? I can go get it.”
“I don’t believe that’s what Mr. Hamm is talking about. That’s not what you’re talking about is it Mr. Hamm?”
Hamm was silent for a moment and was obviously becoming angry. “Look you two clowns, I’m not playing, we all know why we’re in this racket. It sure as hell beats working a nine to five job, and what I’m talking about can make us millions.”
“Mr. Hamm,” said Danny, “I know you think all that Christian stuff you’ve been putting out to your followers is just fodder for fools, but does even the possibility, and I mean even the remote possibility, that maybe Hell does exist ever enter your mind? And, does the fact that you may just be buying your ticket there ever bother you?”
“Are you two absolute fools?” shouted Hamm. “I’m talking millions of dollars.”
“Father West, what would we do with millions of dollars?”
“Preacher Tate, I can’t really say. What have I got to do to get that much money?”
“I believe you got to do like Mister Hamm here. You’ve got to sell your soul to the Devil.”
Danny and Davy both stood and stared directly at Hamm. Neither said a word, but Hamm got the message and left. He left cursing and slamming the door, but he left.
Davy looked at Danny. “Are we missing the boat, Danny? That man makes millions. Do you feel like we’re wrong?”
“No, I don’t feel like we’re wrong, but I do feel sad.”
“Sad?”
“Yes, sad. All we have really done is slowed down basically the same service preachers, priests, and every minister has done for centuries. That’s all we’ve done, Davy. The explanations we give, the sermons we preach, they’re not new. There’s nothing new about them. It all comes from the Bible and that’s been around in some form or another for well over a thousand years. I know a lot of the new Bibles they’re putting out now have been dumbed down, but what’s in it is sort of the same. Davy, we haven’t done a thing new, we’ve just slowed down. Now, people want to do interviews and ask us about our ‘new’ way. That huckster who just walked out the door thinks we have found some new, miraculous, something or other.”
“Have you ever watched one of the Christian channels?” asked Davy as he stood and moved toward the television.
“Of course I have. They’re a joke. I will give the preachers one credit, the shows, and that’s what they are, shows, are as well coordinated as any rock concert. The lights come up at just the right time, the choir chimes in exactly on cue, the music accents every word the preacher says. Somebody who knows what they’re doing puts the shows together. Every minute is coordinated.”
Davy punched the remote control several times. “Speak of the Devil,” he said. “Reverend Hamm is on the television.”
“Good lord,” said Danny. “He’s wearing the same purple suit. Where do these people get their clothes?”
“Forget about the clothes. Forget about the music. Watch the people.”
For the next thirty minutes the two of them sat in front of the television watching the man who had been with them just a few minutes before. When the show was over, Davy turned off the television. “What do you think?” he asked.
“Like I said, it’s a joke. I really feel sorry for anyone who can’t see past the smoke and mirrors. Those people, they were sad, holding their hands up like some sort of homesick orangutans groping for a tree limb. And all that falling down crap, Davy, it just doesn’t happen, at least not in real life.”
“No, you say I’m a great preacher, but even during my best sermon, I never saw anyone fall backwards onto the floor.”
“Yea, that’s just simple suggestion. Think about it. I see someone fall back, he must have been touched by the holy spirit. If I don’t fall back, all these people are going to think I haven’t been touched, so therefore, I will fall back.”
“That’s all it is, but those poor people think Hamm is speaking for God.”
“Like I said, it’s sad. Ridiculous, but sad. Do me a favor.”
“What is that?”
“Let’s forget about Hamm. The man is disgusting. I wish we had a video of the way he acted with us. If we could show it I don’t think his generous partners would be quite as generous.”